The heatwave is having disastrous effects on my psyche. There are some other things going on, internally and externally, contributing to my general malaise and discontent, but there is one symptom in particular that worries me:
Binge-eating spells are creeping back on.
They're not at the level that they have been in the past. I would classify these more as "regrettable eating choices" more than proper, full-on binges, but they worry me all the same. The quantities are not as alarming as they could be, but the feeling is there. The hunger. The rage.
I eat continuously throughout the day. I am endlessly hungry. Then, for brief periods, I eat without hunger, without taste, until I am so full that I feel painfully sick. I cram it down quickly, forcefully, one thing after another, hand over fist, until I manage to regain a semblance of control and stop.
It fucks my digestive system up, and the guilt is only surpassed by the physical pain in my belly. From outside, with my hands, I can feel the distension of my stomach on my left side under my ribs. It swells to a hard mass. I never did get the hang of purging.
The feeling reminds me of when I was cutting-- there is this intense feeling of control as I literally force things down my throat, yet I feel utterly powerless to stop. Control, out of control.
I suppose I have this tiny hope that speaking up on this ugly matter will somehow help me regain balance before it has a chance to get really, irreparably bad. The heat is a trigger, but I can't let triggers rule over my behavior. I am better than this; I am more whole than this; I'm just cracking at the moment, and have to recover again.
But I really need it to cool the fuck down before I lose it.
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