The heatwave is having disastrous effects on my psyche. There are some other things going on, internally and externally, contributing to my general malaise and discontent, but there is one symptom in particular that worries me:
Binge-eating spells are creeping back on.
They're not at the level that they have been in the past. I would classify these more as "regrettable eating choices" more than proper, full-on binges, but they worry me all the same. The quantities are not as alarming as they could be, but the feeling is there. The hunger. The rage.
I eat continuously throughout the day. I am endlessly hungry. Then, for brief periods, I eat without hunger, without taste, until I am so full that I feel painfully sick. I cram it down quickly, forcefully, one thing after another, hand over fist, until I manage to regain a semblance of control and stop.
It fucks my digestive system up, and the guilt is only surpassed by the physical pain in my belly. From outside, with my hands, I can feel the distension of my stomach on my left side under my ribs. It swells to a hard mass. I never did get the hang of purging.
The feeling reminds me of when I was cutting-- there is this intense feeling of control as I literally force things down my throat, yet I feel utterly powerless to stop. Control, out of control.
I suppose I have this tiny hope that speaking up on this ugly matter will somehow help me regain balance before it has a chance to get really, irreparably bad. The heat is a trigger, but I can't let triggers rule over my behavior. I am better than this; I am more whole than this; I'm just cracking at the moment, and have to recover again.
But I really need it to cool the fuck down before I lose it.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
People. They're everywhere.
So I've been around [the local fetish community] a while now. I've learned a lot.
Lately, I've been thinking, less and less is surprising, or "shocking." What began for me as a notion of the "open relationship" was replaced with an understanding of the endless variations on polyamory. The idea that people are either men or women (or maybe trans) was replaced with the notion that people exist all over a spectrum of gender-- and that it can evolve and change over time. The idea that people are either straight, gay, or bi replaced with the understanding that sexuality, too, exists on a spectrum.
Pretty much, I've learned that people are people, and people are each individual, complex beings. I am so used to you now, and more used to myself.
Some of my coworkers I am quite comfortable talking to in regards to my participation in kink activities, and the lives of the fascinating people I've come to know, and I am comfortable talking to them because they are generally open-minded and simply eager to learn about the lives of other people. Yet... every now and then, apparently, I shock them, too.
When I was a teenager, fancied myself as bisexual. However, such a label never quite seemed to fit, because as it turns out, by my personal definition, I'm not. I like ladies, but I have a strong preference for men, so I list myself here as 'heteroflexible.' And that's fine!
But I mentioned to someone that I may be looking at entering the dating scene (sort of) for the first time, with women. That was shocking to him. Shocking to someone who has known for some time that my relationship with my husband is non-monogamous, and that I have played sexually with other women. "So are you, like, part-time lesbian?" "No, I don't think so." "Are you bisexual?" "Not exactly, no." "Well what the hell are you then?"
As stated, I have a general preference for men, romantically, sexually, and personally. However, I am attracted to people more than genitalia. I don't get to control what my heart desires; it's like [my friend,] Troll; it does what it wants. So, what the hell am I?
I'm Laura.
Lately, I've been thinking, less and less is surprising, or "shocking." What began for me as a notion of the "open relationship" was replaced with an understanding of the endless variations on polyamory. The idea that people are either men or women (or maybe trans) was replaced with the notion that people exist all over a spectrum of gender-- and that it can evolve and change over time. The idea that people are either straight, gay, or bi replaced with the understanding that sexuality, too, exists on a spectrum.
Pretty much, I've learned that people are people, and people are each individual, complex beings. I am so used to you now, and more used to myself.
Some of my coworkers I am quite comfortable talking to in regards to my participation in kink activities, and the lives of the fascinating people I've come to know, and I am comfortable talking to them because they are generally open-minded and simply eager to learn about the lives of other people. Yet... every now and then, apparently, I shock them, too.
When I was a teenager, fancied myself as bisexual. However, such a label never quite seemed to fit, because as it turns out, by my personal definition, I'm not. I like ladies, but I have a strong preference for men, so I list myself here as 'heteroflexible.' And that's fine!
But I mentioned to someone that I may be looking at entering the dating scene (sort of) for the first time, with women. That was shocking to him. Shocking to someone who has known for some time that my relationship with my husband is non-monogamous, and that I have played sexually with other women. "So are you, like, part-time lesbian?" "No, I don't think so." "Are you bisexual?" "Not exactly, no." "Well what the hell are you then?"
As stated, I have a general preference for men, romantically, sexually, and personally. However, I am attracted to people more than genitalia. I don't get to control what my heart desires; it's like [my friend,] Troll; it does what it wants. So, what the hell am I?
I'm Laura.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
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