Thursday, December 8, 2011
a hollow log
There is this sadness in me, hollowing me out.
A hole, a void-- an echoing reminder of my worthlessness, of my emptiness, my nonexistence.
I am worth nothing
because I AM nothing.
I exist in this physical shell, and it is a terrible one to be stuck in.
All I want is to shed this. To let the skin cells and viscera rot away, let the bones fall into the earth, and be free of this pain.
A hole, a void-- an echoing reminder of my worthlessness, of my emptiness, my nonexistence.
I am worth nothing
because I AM nothing.
I exist in this physical shell, and it is a terrible one to be stuck in.
All I want is to shed this. To let the skin cells and viscera rot away, let the bones fall into the earth, and be free of this pain.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
tonsillitis
Like, seriously? Again? Or is it just always.
Is it that they never really healed, and this is just another flare up-- or that I DO get better, but they are so sore and irritated that they are all too susceptible to re-infection?
Or, being that tonsils are naturally the body's immune system dumping ground, is it simply that everything I come in contact with immediately ends up there first?
No matter the case, I am sick of it!
Is it the notable dive I've taken in my mental health that has inevitably affected my immune defense?
Am I making myself sick?
Is it so terrible that I want to go away a while... That I have so strongly thought on the matter of checking myself in, letting someone else take care of me, just for a while. Just to be alone. Is it wrong to run away?
"There is so much shit in this life that it is a tragedy when a thing of beauty is struck down-- but if that beauty were to simply walk out of its own accord, it would be so much worse..."
But to be completely honest, what difference would it make? Who would miss me?
I am a burden on my best of days. A poison.
A disease.
Is it that they never really healed, and this is just another flare up-- or that I DO get better, but they are so sore and irritated that they are all too susceptible to re-infection?
Or, being that tonsils are naturally the body's immune system dumping ground, is it simply that everything I come in contact with immediately ends up there first?
No matter the case, I am sick of it!
Is it the notable dive I've taken in my mental health that has inevitably affected my immune defense?
Am I making myself sick?
Is it so terrible that I want to go away a while... That I have so strongly thought on the matter of checking myself in, letting someone else take care of me, just for a while. Just to be alone. Is it wrong to run away?
"There is so much shit in this life that it is a tragedy when a thing of beauty is struck down-- but if that beauty were to simply walk out of its own accord, it would be so much worse..."
But to be completely honest, what difference would it make? Who would miss me?
I am a burden on my best of days. A poison.
A disease.
Monday, December 5, 2011
a moment of weakness
I burned myself tonight. This is a relatively new behavior. It is somewhat worrisome.
I still have not been cutting. The last time I did was October 3rd. That's two full months. That's something.
(for now)
the sad days, the bad days
They've come and gone, and it appears they are here to stay a while.
More will be said when I have the words.
For now I feel it only important to say:
It's true I have a long history of escapism and substance abuse.
I fuck up sometimes. I make mistakes, fall back into bad habits. But I try my damnedest to go on each day without it.
And it isn't fair to assume that I don't.
More will be said when I have the words.
For now I feel it only important to say:
It's true I have a long history of escapism and substance abuse.
I fuck up sometimes. I make mistakes, fall back into bad habits. But I try my damnedest to go on each day without it.
And it isn't fair to assume that I don't.
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